Skip to main content

Phubbing: When phones wreck relationships

Phubbing, or phone snubbing, is when a person ignores their partner in favour of their phone. It might look like picking up your phone whilst your partner is talking, checking your phone when you're spending quality time with your partner, or reaching for your phone rather than your partner. 

When left unchecked, continuous phubbing can leave partners feeling sidelined, ignored and deprioritised. It can have an adverse effect on your communication with your partner, as it can leave them feeling like they aren’t being listened to. Phubbing can also lead to increased conflict, reduced quality time, and reduced emotional connection. But why does phubbing happen, and what can we do about it?

Phones are addictive

One of the reasons that it can be so difficult to put down our phones is that the apps that we use are designed to keep us engaged. Whether that’s with notifications, sounds or scrolling, attention is the currency that advertisers are depending on. 

The longer that you pay attention to something, the more adverts an app can throw at you. And the more adverts that you look at, the more likely you’ll be to remember a brand name, click a link, or make a purchase - or, pay for a subscription which removes the adverts altogether. Either way, that’s money in the app creator’s pocket. 

Habits are hard to break

We might also be reaching for our phones out of habit. Whether we’re bored, understimulated, need a distraction, or we’re anxious, there’s an app for that. Picking up our phones in a situation that feels awkward, or a conversation that feels like it isn’t going anywhere can serve a function; it can help us to stay in a situation for longer.

An app can provide a little extra stimulation to keep you going, or give you something else to think about for a while. After a while, these processes can become almost automatic. Feeling anxious? You could be scrolling social media in seconds without even noticing.

Ready to stop phubbing? 

If phubbing is taking its toll on your relationship, there are two changes you need to make. The first is turning away from your phone, and the second is turning towards your partner. 

How to turn away from your phone

  • Notifications, off It might be an obvious one, but it’s an important one. When our attention isn’t on our phones, our apps desperately try to get it back. That might be with a notification badge, a vibration or a sound. To keep your attention where you want it, turn these distractions off.

  • Move your charger When our phones are charged in the bedroom, it can make it really easy to reach for your phone when we wake up, and when we go to bed. If you share a bed with your partner, this time could be used for connecting with each other. Try charging your phone in a different room, so it isn’t reachable from your bed.

  • Switch to grayscale An effective way to make your phone less enticing is to change the screen from colour, to black and white. Research suggests that switching to grayscale results in significantly less screen time, as well as anxiety. You can find out how to turn your phone to grayscale here

How to turn towards your partner

  • Rituals and routines When do you typically notice yourself phubbing? Is it in the morning before you get up? At the dinner table? When your partner is driving you somewhere? Creating a ritual or routine together can provide an alternative to picking up your phone. This might be making a hot drink, sharing stories, playing a game or something different, but it should be something that brings you both into connection.

  • Take a break If you find yourself reaching for your phone during tricky conversations, or escalations that can turn into arguments, it might mean that you need a short break. Instead of opening an app, communicate kindly to your partner that you need to put a topic down for a while, and set a time to revisit it.

  • Get stimulated If you find yourself looking for an app because you’re bored, you might need to find something engaging to talk about with your partner. It might be time to introduce some novelty, like a new activity you can try together. Alternatively, try asking your partner Aron’s 36 Questions, to create more emotional intimacy.


The Transcendit Way

Transcendit understand that when you choose to work with us, whether we're taking care of your IT, app or web development, you're trusting us with part of your business. So whether we're looking after your computers, phone systems or servers we always do things 'the Transcendit way'.

The whole of our team adhere to the same values, beliefs and policies - the principles that were written when Transcendit first formed in 2000. Whether you come to us for cloud services or recovery backup you can be confident that you'll always receive the same excellent service.

The Transcendit way outlines how we do business; following the same straightforward principles with every client and customer, regardless of how big or small they may be.

That means we get to know you and your business. We offer you a friendly, professional and efficient service, and we'll always be honest with you.
We understand that not everybody speaks fluent IT, so we try to explain things in a way that is simple and clear. We always spend as much time as is necessary explaining things to you.
If you need to talk to us about something, no matter how insignificant, we are only ever a phone call away – and we’re never too busy to make you a cup of tea and have a sit down with you in person.
We understand how frustrating it can be when things are late. When we schedule an appointment with you, we are there when you’re expecting us. If something prevents us from getting there, we always call you in advance to let you know.
Sometimes things can go wrong, but we never lie to you or try to cover something up. If things go askew we tell you what’s happened and how we plan to prevent it affecting your business.
We want you to continuously benefit from working with us. We regularly discuss your business and make suggestions for improving systems and processes wherever we can – but we never try to push you into a purchase.
When we quote a fixed price, that's always the amount we charge – you won’t find any nasty surprises on a bill from us. If you are paying by time and materials, we inform you if our approximations could change.
We understand the importance of privacy for your business and your customers. We respect the confidentiality of your data, and we will never pass on your information to third parties.
We appreciate it when you take the time to give us feedback. A system called CustomerSure records our client's responses, so you can trust that our reviews are from real people.
Find out what they're saying here.
Who can do without Chris in their lives, I certainly couldn't! Well done again. Eileen, Framehouse

Based on 12075 reviews our customers rate us 9.8/10. Reviews and ratings by Customersure. 09-October-2024

Transcendit are proud sponsors of CHUF, the Children's Heart Unit Fund.

Transcendit is a Microsoft Gold certified partner
VMWARE partner
Vipre partner
IPCortex partner
WithSecure partner
DELL partner
Barracuda partner
Veeam partner
N-Able partner